Honestly,Tony
by HiddenEye
Summary: "Stark, I order you to put that dildo down this instance." One-shot.


Disclaimer: Everything belongs to their respected owners.

A/N: Whaddaya know, I'm writing humour. Or an attempt. (Update: I've changed the rating, after a very helpful advise from VeryBerry96, thank you dearie :) )

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><p>"Stark, I order you to put that dildo down this <em>instance<em>."

There was something in Natasha's voice that Steve hardly ever hear, and it made him tore his eyes away from the printed text that was resting on his thighs, drawing him away from the hardcover book as he peered curiously at what was going to happen. An eyebrow rose when he saw what was lay out in front of him, some sort of disbelief crossed on his face.

She had her arms crossed across her chest, a look of annoyance etched on her face from where she sat on the single sofa at the other side of the room, legs crossed on one another with her glare was currently directed towards Tony. The said multi-billionaire was standing on the coffee table, hand wrapped around a half filled champagne glass that was sloshing dangerously to the point it wanted to spill over, while he held something else in his other hand, but Steve wasn't able to comprehend what it was.

His eyes darted from the assassin to the man, noticing the way Tony was grinning mockingly at her, before taking a sip of the drink. "You can't _order_ me around, Natasha," There was a hint of slur, it was hardly there though, but Steve managed to catch how he said his words, and decided Tony had a little more to drink than he realised. "Barton, you tell her."

Clint shrugged from where he sat on the floor, his back leaned on the sofa Steve was currently sitting on, tossing an orange between his hands. "Well, she _can_ order you, and I advise you listen to her, remember the last time when you didn't?"

Tony made a face, and then swiveled drunkenly around, facing Bruce. "Help a buddy out, huh Bruce?"

The doctor was on the other side of the large sofa, pointedly ignoring them all by gazing out of the window and staring into the night, until his name was spoken that the only acknowledgement he gave was the glance he shot him. "Put that thing down, Tony," He sighed, plucking his glass from the table so that his friend wouldn't kick it to the floor. "It's disgusting and disturbing."

When Tony risked a glance towards Thor, the god was already shaking his head.

Scoffing, Tony waved the bright colour thing threateningly towards them, whirling around that he almost toppled off the table. "Cowards, all of you. A disgrace to the male population," He dunk the last of his champagne, and got down from the table. "And a disgrace to this." He waved it towards them again.

Now that Tony had been shoving it into their faces, Steve had a good look to what it was, and felt a flush of embarrassment spread on his face. He cleared his throat uncomfortably, trying to find words on how to approach this topic. "Is that," Both of his eyebrows shot upwards, eyes still glued to the replica of the male genital that Tony held in his hand, his fingers wrapped easily around it like a kid holding onto the leg of his toy. "A _dick_?"

Tony snorted, setting the offended thing on the table as he grabbed the bottle of opened wine beside it, pouring its contents into his glass. "So the Cap _does_ speak dirty," He took a gulp. "I'm impressed, I thought you were as innocent as a new born babe. But, if you must know, then yes," He waved at it dramatically, as if it was a trophy to be showed off. "It is, in fact, a _dick_, as you oh so subtly informed us. About six inches long, an average length for us males by the way, but still affective in every way possible-"

He stopped when there was an orange bounced off his head, and he whirled around again to glare at the archer, to which he ignored as he jabbed a finger towards Natasha. "Hey, she did it, I still have my fruit." He interjected as he held up the orange.

Tony raised an eyebrow enquiringly at her, and she met it with a bored look as she tossed an apple in her hand. "If you continue," She started calmly. "This apple will quickly be stuffed into that hole of yours if you don't stop talking about your pride and joy."

"Oh yeah?" Tony taunted, acting completely like a child. "Which hole?"

Her bright blue eyes flashed warningly. "Do you want to find out?"

Steve grimaced at the thing in disgust. "Why would they even make something like that?"

"Indeed," Thor added, brows furrowed. "Though, it does not disturb me as much, but it does makes me wonder why you humans would create such a thing," The god look up. "Where did you get this?"

Tony shrugged. "Dunno, must have bought it on accident or something," He plopped on the sofa between Steve and Bruce, draping his arms on the back rest. "It's a dashing colour though."

"Nothing's 'dashing' about it," Natasha answered with a deadpan. "Get it off the table."

"But, as for your question, Thor," He continued idly, completely making himself deaf to what she said. "Humans get easily aroused for something they can't have, they can't fuck anyone because no one wants to fuck with them."

"Oh god," Bruce muttered, rubbing his face.

"And so, this poor depressed people would create a replica of someone's dick, probably a few people because different people would probably want to start slowly, y'know, average to big, because no one wants a small dick, no sensational feeling and all. Then, they'll satisfy themselves by taking that phony dick and fuck themselves like they're actually doing it with someone, or give an imaginary blowjob." With that, he finished off his wine.

The rest of the team stared at him in silence, different expressions etched on their faces. Steve plucked the glass from Tony's hands. "Thank you, for that little documentary." He said dryly, setting it on the coffee table. "I didn't need to hear that."

Tony shrugged, folding his arms behind his head. "It's general knowledge, you and Thor needed to know."

"General knowledge my ass," The blond shot back.

Clint chuckled. "We should get him drunk often, maybe he'll spill something else other than plastic dicks."

"No," Bruce interjected. "He'll probably start buying more with different sizes and start comparing them."

Tony snapped his fingers. "That's actually a good idea," He jumped out from the sofa, and trotted out of the room. "Thanks, buddy."

Natasha sighed, watching him go off. "Here we go."

While the conversation was being held, Thor was lost in thought, brows still furrowed. "They use it for mating, but it is not actually mating for there is no partner?" He searched the other's faces. "Have I gotten this correct?"

Steve shook his head, and buried his face into the book again.


End file.
